wp_20170106_14_56_01_proPersonal growth – it kind of sounds like something I should have checked at the Doctor’s office doesn’t it? It checks the right boxes – it is mostly uncomfortable, it concerns warty things I would rather not discuss with others, and I would feel best if it could be done and over with as soon as possible.

Maturation – “Is there a pill for that?”

Regardless – I find myself stuck in a rather sticky, murky, vastly uncomfortable season of “personal growth” and despite my homeopathic attempts to “eat it, sleep it, ignore it” away – I think I am going to have to accept that I will be “in it” for the foreseeable future. 

Much of the “struggle” has to do with learning that I – Krina – am valuable …regardless …  This is difficult for me.  It sounds simple – and the world of encouraging quotes and posters seems to suggest I just need to “believe” – in myself, in my power, in my spirit, in my creativity.  JUST believe … there is that terrible word – “just” – it slips in there insidious and small, implying all that is “just” so easy.  But there is nothing small or easy about standing within yourself – unashamedly accepting despite all the evidence of brokenness and awkwardness and ignorance – that I am perfectly, unequivocally valuable because I – Krina – am loved.

Grasping this will take time to take root and firmly handle but already the implications are trickling out – setting off other “personal growth” dominoes in my life – encouraging me to take braver steps within my own relationships, my own understanding of who I am, in what I need to set my hand to during this “next” phase in my life.

Today’s brave step – was sending out a letter to a person of great importance in my life.  There is no guarantee I will ever know if the letter is received or read.  There is even less of a chance that anything in my life will change because I sent this letter despite the hope I carry.  I have to accept I don’t have any say over the outcome – because as I am slowly learning – outcomes are not the goal, the goal is to love more deeply, and that extends to myself.  That is the thing about “personal growth” – it is personal.