I can hear the anger in your voice – the edge to the words and the frustration from whence it comes. I recognize it and remember my own. I hear it as an echo from the past rising up out of the dark caverns of my own mothing journey.
So, Dear Heart, know that I, too, am familiar with the strain and pull that mothering can have on your wits, your sense, your being. I have walked that way before and I carry the wounds, still tender, but not as tender as theirs.
Those little ears, and eyes, and hearts so unprepared to understand my wrath. Eyes wide and fearful and timid. It broke me to see it and that only fed the angry parts, I acted out under the pain. But they were not equipped to comprehend that it was more me than them. They took their little wounded hearts away and I fled from the shame.
But, Dear Heart, it can change. It can start by looking at it for what it is and accepting that it is wrong. Wrong does not make you bad – does not mark you up irrevocably – it makes you flawed and therefore human. The shame does not own you – not if you look at it full in the face – acknowledge it, admit it and it will wither up under the scrutiny – letting in light, everything that grows needs light.
About those little eyes and ears and hearts – they are truly amazing. Their capacity for forgiveness is astounding, humbling, and so full of grace it may make you weep. Good weeping full of cleansing tears.
Ask them to forgive you. Let their forgiveness in. The change begins.
I cannot promise you there will not be days when you stumble, days happen which we regret. But the cycle of forgiveness and change goes on too – it is not a one-time promise, it is a lifecycle of loving.
Eventually, the anger subsides, releases that grip on you. Perhaps it is due to little bodies growing up to be more present and aware of their space and place or perhaps it is due to your having grown and matured in a way that only motherhood could bring out in you. Regardless, know that it comes to all of us, if we let it.
Know too, that I am pulling for you, Dear Heart. You are not alone.