Then: August 6, 2006 con’t
Who knew it would be like this? That makes my life sounds so ominous, it is not, it is just … full; did I mention I have four beautiful-wouldn’t-trade-them-in-for-the-world children who are only 52 months apart start to finish and that the oldest is only just about to turn 6 years. No, well here is the run-down:
It all began with … (SURPRISE) Baby Jordan: Conceived July 1999 – gone October 1999, having crossed over the threshold between having and not having, we chose to start building our family: Her #1: born September 23, 2000 … fifteen months later came Her #2: born December 21, 2001 … then 24 months and 2 weeks later came Her #3: January 9, 2004 … then a shocking 360 days later came Him JR: January 4, 2005 … followed by a much desired tubal ligation.
I could try to explain how this wasn’t how I planned it, how this was totally unexpected, that I don’t know how this all happened but truth be told, no let’s not tell the whole of the truth, let me just say birth control was optional and if there was a chance I could get pregnant, I probably did.
I have bashed myself about it enough as I tend to be a rather “responsible” individual and in light of all wisdom, including my health etc this method of family building isn’t something I would recommend, but this is my family, these are my children and as I alluded to, I would not trade them in or how they came to us.
What is, is and having created the situation, or at least having played a hand in it doesn’t nullify the reality of living through it. This is my bed and I chose to revel in it, but I struggle with the dark corners, the wrinkles and the stains which come along with it. I am attempting to break out of habit of making excuses for or overly explaining my choices about my life and family, instead I am trying to find a way to wear it honestly without being worn out by it. That is what this blog is, my attempt to find a way to be mother, wife, and me all at once and without regret.
Another Excerpt from my What this Blog is to me post
Again: July 27, 2015
Hey you – yes you – the one working so hard to make it all fit into the box you marked “right.” I need to tell you something – there is no right and proper way in these matters.
This is your story with all of its bumps and curves and sudden dead-ends. You don’t need to explain, you don’t need to justify it to anyone. Your job is to walk in it, to wear it, and let it grow.
Let the gold stars fall where they may* — let them fall and pay no heed. Walk tall – these are your years and his years and their years. And time’s a wastin’
Time is precious and there will never be enough of it to make your path “understood” by all – never enough to make everyone okay with your choices. It is all “chasing after your own tail” – regardless of the outcome, time is still ticking.
Let go of the idea that there is only one way to do this living thing. It is messy, it is sticky, it is even off-putting at times but it is the only opportunity you get – so look into the wind, open your eyes and spread your arms wide. You are in for a fabulous ride.
* Huge reference to You are Special by Max Lucado